Graveyard shifts

While I dread graveyard (GY) shifts, there’s also something positive to simply having less people around. Not that I dislike being surrounded by people after my meltdowns, I just enjoy the peacefulness that comes with not having to deal with so many people.

I thought that this GY shift would mean me losing to my emotions again, but I’ve been holding up pretty well these past few days. I’m not sure if the weather has something to do with what I felt for the past week, but hopefully, I don’t have to deal with another bout of sadness soon. I don’t know how I’ll get through it should I feel desolated again.

I’ll embrace the peace and calmness in my heart and pray that this will last.

Advertisements

There are things in life that I cannot explain. That no matter how hard I try to figure it out, there would be no answer to whatever I’m going through. Instead, I just have to put my faith and trust in the Lord that everything will be okay. 

I remember suddenly crying while in I was in the office. I couldn’t explain why I was feeling that way. Crying was the only way to release all those pent up emotions. I’ve been going through a rough time in my life right now.

It’s a mix of pressure, sadness, and confusion. I don’t think I’ll ever figure out why I am feeling this way. Instead, I’ll just trust the Lord and His timelines. I may never understand now why this is happening, but maybe in time I’ll figure it out with his guidance.

Day 5 of feeling gloomy as the weather

It’s so hard to act happy when you’re crumbling on the inside. It’s so hard to pretend.

But it’s nice to talk to a friend who completely underderstands you. Someone who knows what you’re going through because they exactly feel the same way. It feels great to be honest and bare all your what you’re going through without thinking that they’ll love you any less. It feels good to be weak once in a while. It’s nice to have friends.

Slaying our demons

We work so hard in fighting the demons around us, that we don’t realize that those demons we are trying to run away from are inside us. Slowly waiting to strike when your guards are down and when you least expect it.

I don’t need Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain to remind me of those demons, because it has been working its way on my system again.

I am reminded how amazing the people in my life are once again. From friends who will lock themselves in a cramped washroom with you to make sure that you’re okay, to a friend who will cry with you over the phone. There’s also that doctor who’s willing to pay for your meds even if she only got to know you in the company clinic and a friend who’s willing to listen to whatever you’re going through.
Thank you. I may not have said it personally, but I am really thankful that you’re in my life right now. Thank you for keeping me sane and for making me realize that you’ll always be there for me whenever.

Hospital Visits and Adulting

Earlier, I had to visit the hospital because of my bleeding nose. Nothing much, except that the doctor burned a part of the inside of my nose and it hurts up until now. While waiting for some paperwork, I wanted to cry.

I was in pain, tired, snot was running down my nose, the system wasn’t cooperating, and I was all alone. I know I’m already an adult, but it would be nice if there was someone who’d help you get through the adulting stuff. Ugh! This is making me cry. But I can’t because my nose would be clogged, and breathing would be a bitch.

While I was tired and still in pain, at home, a morbid thought entered my mind. As I’ve been getting sick more often, I thought, what if that’s the reason why I’m not in a relationship. Maybe, I’d die young and the Man up there doesn’t want someone to be sad for me. It made me think. It made me a bit sad, but what if there’s something true about my “theory”?

Wow, this is depressing and morbid. I think, I need to rest.

For Someone I Do Not Know Yet

25348541_1503876343001382_5281883632571760678_n

Bring me to art museums,
to coffee shops and bookstores.
Let’s read books;
the underrated ones,
the ones we think we’ll hate.

Let’s discuss how much we hated it
and proceed to talk about life in general
while having some coffee.

Share with me how you got that scar on your shoulder
and I’ll tell you about the scar underneath my nose.
Fuel the conversation by sharing
what excites your soul.

Answer my weird and random questions.
Tell me ’bout your favorite shirt,
the reason behind your sleepless nights
and you will come to know
why I hate cockroaches
& the embarrassing inside stories
I had with it.

I promise, we’ll go deeper
I’ll show you my hidden talents
and you’ll expose to me
your vulnerabilities.
Let’s see if our weirdest parts
complement each other.
Bear with me, I ask you.

Let’s write poems,
write old school letters.
Let’s sing our favorite songs
loudly and fearlessly–
unafraid of getting judged about our voices.

Make me laugh with your witty & brilliant jokes,
Outsmart me with your stand on issues
BUT
I warn you,
by the moment we meet each other
I know everything’s not going to be like this —
not exactly how we wanted and planned it to be.
But trust me
God can surpass the expectations
we have in mind.

Our differences will never
affect our common ground.
I’m praying that our common ground
will be no one else but Christ.
Hold my hand,
Together we will testify to the world
that love isn’t imprisoned in a room of ideals.

It makes us see a museum of possibilities.
It exists in the depths of our being.
it is God sent!
There’s nothing more beautiful than sharing life with someone who completely understands what your heart beats for.

Wherever you are, keep that up!

 

Source: Boiling Waters

You Deserve A Wholehearted Love In 2018

I know you spent most of 2017 unhappy.

You drifted from one relationship to the next. You found yourself involved in almost-relationships, half-loves, and you ended up with toxic people. It was continuous without a break. The pain was excruciating crushing, the rejection was deeply ingrained in you, and you lived your days in a constant state of euphoria happiness and tormented pain.

You based your self-worth on the people who liked you and you were utterly shattered when they couldn’t reciprocate your feeling. You filled the remnants of your broken heart with a person and fell into the pit of darkness when that didn’t work out. You immersed yourself in negativity that you created in your own mind and was unable to move on from the past and see what was right before you.

You knew that was not the right way to live but life was just too hard. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Building yourself up from rock bottom was daunting and the thought of facing your problems made you want to escape reality. You needed someone to be there and loneliness clouded your better judgment. You gave in to the dark thoughts that you couldn’t be alone and that pushed you to find a temporary company to sustain you. You seek any short-term reprieve without regard for the consequences and you just wanted the pain to stop.

So you took the easy way out to heal. To do what you thought would make you happy. To stop caring because that seemed like an easier option. At one point, you were bent on self-destruction and to ruin your own life. You thought nothing mattered anymore and caring meant setting yourself up for more disappointment and disillusionment.

But you couldn’t be more wrong.

Apathy was for the heartless and that was no way to live. The worse thing than being unhappy is to feel nothing. Because when you close yourself off to protect yourself from getting hurt, you cut off the prospect of you finding any possibility of love.

Being optimistic is hard work but being constantly negative is downright draining and depressing. Working on self-love isn’t easy on all days but basing your happiness on one person is surely the root of all your unhappiness. Embracing yourself fully is a constant work in progress yet it’s going to be so worth it when you can truly accept yourself.

Even if nothing makes sense and everything is wrong, you still have yourself. You are the only one who can always be there for you.

This year may be a rollercoaster ride of heartbreak and loss but the lessons you take away are priceless. This year may break your heart but you have learned how to build yourself up from nothing. This year may not be your best year but it is the turning point of your life.

For you promise yourself that 2018 is going to be different. 2018 is the year you will learn to appreciate and enjoy your own companionship above all else. You will be your own cheerleader instead of hoping for someone to make you smile. You will choose to be single instead of being with the wrong person.

You know what you want and now, you have to promise yourself to settle for nothing less than what you deserve.

Source: Thought Catalog

Yow! Yow!

Never planned to write another blog post, but seems like I have so much feels so here I am.
2017 seems so hell-bent on making me feel emotions that were “foreign” to me. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to feel all of these. I wasn’t prepared to make myself look foolish. I wasn’t ready in general. 2017 fucked me up really good. Forgive the foul word, but I feel like that is even a total understatement to what I went thru this year. I felt like I was in a roller coaster of heartbreak and joy.
But don’t misinterpret that 2017 was balanced. It never was. I experienced more heartbreak than joy. It was a chore to be positive when you experience heartbreak after heartbreak. The feeling of joy was sparse, and most of the time I felt like I was drowning from everything – family, work, and love. Slowly, I felt depression kicking in. It didn’t help that I was anxious all the time and paranoid. I guess that’s why I drove people away. Why I’d rather keep all these shit I’m experiencing, than completely opening up to people.
I did open up, but it wasn’t even 1/4 of what I was feeling inside. Words were carefully chosen. I decided to open up that specific aspect of my life, because I felt like if I bared everything, I would crumble down. I hated every moment where I felt weak, helpless, and lost.
Guess, I brought it upon myself. Is this karma? Do I even deserve to be happy or hell, will I even be completely happy? It’s confusing and stupid to be thinking like this. Ang hirap!
Can 2018 be different? I’m not asking for rainbows and butterflies. All I want is to be more chill? Can I ride a train instead because I’ve had enough of the roller coaster ride?