When the year started, I remember telling myself that this year will be different from last year. It will be drama-free, less stressful, and more about working on being a better person.

Well, 7 months in and it did a good job of ripping me apart.

I’m more anxious, more insecure, more doubtful, I’m drowning in sadness, and more importantly, I feel alone. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is something that everyone in their late 20s experience as I’ve been seeing and hearing from friends that they’re experiencing what I’m going through. But surely,it’s not fun to wake up in the morning feeling sad and doubtful. It’s not fun to go through the day where you feel like shit for something you can’t figure out. It’s not fun that no matter what your friends say or do, you can’t seem to understand why you’re left with that feeling. But most especially, it’s a struggle trying to be positive and fighting off the demons hounding you.

It feels like no matter how much you try to be positive and happy, you can’t help but feel like you’re stuck in a rut. This feeling will pass, but then it comes back hitting you like a 10 ton truck.

I’ve never been so unsure about myself. That feeling is eating me from inside out. I wanna break free from it, but as I’ve mentioned, it seems like no matter how hard I try, I am stuck in this muck. It’s frustrating and it gets tiring, especially if you see no progress. I feel like I’ve been working so hard in managing my emotions, but nothing comes out of it. How I wish it was easy to get out this!

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I’m not sure what’s happening to me and why am I feeling this way. I thought I already got out of that drowning feeling of sadness, but I didn’t. It was just sitting there, waiting for it to be triggered. And just like that it came back to life! It’s slowly eating me from the inside. I know pushing everyone away is not the best thing to do, but even the smallest things trigger me and drives me deeper into this muck.

I’m slowly losing it. I keep pushing everyone away because that’s what I’m good at, BUT I feel insanely alone and I’m almost at my wits end. I feel so lost and confused.

I struggle to keep my head out of the water and there are moments when I don’t feel like living to see another day. I’m trying to keep myself afloat, but I feel like bit by bit, I’m slowly letting the currents take me away into the unknown. I just want everything to end. I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling right now. I feel stuck. I feel like no matter how hard I try to get out of this situation and emotions, I’ll never be able to do so as the anchors I’m clinging to are slowly washing away.

Happy birthday, self

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Standing strong at 28.

I feel like this photo represents my whole life – the waves being my struggles in life. Not trying to be deep or anything, but that’s the first thing that came into my mind when I saw this picture.

Good job, self!

Graveyard shifts

While I dread graveyard (GY) shifts, there’s also something positive to simply having less people around. Not that I dislike being surrounded by people after my meltdowns, I just enjoy the peacefulness that comes with not having to deal with so many people.

I thought that this GY shift would mean me losing to my emotions again, but I’ve been holding up pretty well these past few days. I’m not sure if the weather has something to do with what I felt for the past week, but hopefully, I don’t have to deal with another bout of sadness soon. I don’t know how I’ll get through it should I feel desolated again.

I’ll embrace the peace and calmness in my heart and pray that this will last.

There are things in life that I cannot explain. That no matter how hard I try to figure it out, there would be no answer to whatever I’m going through. Instead, I just have to put my faith and trust in the Lord that everything will be okay. 

I remember suddenly crying while in I was in the office. I couldn’t explain why I was feeling that way. Crying was the only way to release all those pent up emotions. I’ve been going through a rough time in my life right now.

It’s a mix of pressure, sadness, and confusion. I don’t think I’ll ever figure out why I am feeling this way. Instead, I’ll just trust the Lord and His timelines. I may never understand now why this is happening, but maybe in time I’ll figure it out with his guidance.

Day 5 of feeling gloomy as the weather

It’s so hard to act happy when you’re crumbling on the inside. It’s so hard to pretend.

But it’s nice to talk to a friend who completely underderstands you. Someone who knows what you’re going through because they exactly feel the same way. It feels great to be honest and bare all your what you’re going through without thinking that they’ll love you any less. It feels good to be weak once in a while. It’s nice to have friends.

Slaying our demons

We work so hard in fighting the demons around us, that we don’t realize that those demons we are trying to run away from are inside us. Slowly waiting to strike when your guards are down and when you least expect it.

I don’t need Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain to remind me of those demons, because it has been working its way on my system again.

I am reminded how amazing the people in my life are once again. From friends who will lock themselves in a cramped washroom with you to make sure that you’re okay, to a friend who will cry with you over the phone. There’s also that doctor who’s willing to pay for your meds even if she only got to know you in the company clinic and a friend who’s willing to listen to whatever you’re going through.
Thank you. I may not have said it personally, but I am really thankful that you’re in my life right now. Thank you for keeping me sane and for making me realize that you’ll always be there for me whenever.

Hospital Visits and Adulting

Earlier, I had to visit the hospital because of my bleeding nose. Nothing much, except that the doctor burned a part of the inside of my nose and it hurts up until now. While waiting for some paperwork, I wanted to cry.

I was in pain, tired, snot was running down my nose, the system wasn’t cooperating, and I was all alone. I know I’m already an adult, but it would be nice if there was someone who’d help you get through the adulting stuff. Ugh! This is making me cry. But I can’t because my nose would be clogged, and breathing would be a bitch.

While I was tired and still in pain, at home, a morbid thought entered my mind. As I’ve been getting sick more often, I thought, what if that’s the reason why I’m not in a relationship. Maybe, I’d die young and the Man up there doesn’t want someone to be sad for me. It made me think. It made me a bit sad, but what if there’s something true about my “theory”?

Wow, this is depressing and morbid. I think, I need to rest.

For Someone I Do Not Know Yet

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Bring me to art museums,
to coffee shops and bookstores.
Let’s read books;
the underrated ones,
the ones we think we’ll hate.

Let’s discuss how much we hated it
and proceed to talk about life in general
while having some coffee.

Share with me how you got that scar on your shoulder
and I’ll tell you about the scar underneath my nose.
Fuel the conversation by sharing
what excites your soul.

Answer my weird and random questions.
Tell me ’bout your favorite shirt,
the reason behind your sleepless nights
and you will come to know
why I hate cockroaches
& the embarrassing inside stories
I had with it.

I promise, we’ll go deeper
I’ll show you my hidden talents
and you’ll expose to me
your vulnerabilities.
Let’s see if our weirdest parts
complement each other.
Bear with me, I ask you.

Let’s write poems,
write old school letters.
Let’s sing our favorite songs
loudly and fearlessly–
unafraid of getting judged about our voices.

Make me laugh with your witty & brilliant jokes,
Outsmart me with your stand on issues
BUT
I warn you,
by the moment we meet each other
I know everything’s not going to be like this —
not exactly how we wanted and planned it to be.
But trust me
God can surpass the expectations
we have in mind.

Our differences will never
affect our common ground.
I’m praying that our common ground
will be no one else but Christ.
Hold my hand,
Together we will testify to the world
that love isn’t imprisoned in a room of ideals.

It makes us see a museum of possibilities.
It exists in the depths of our being.
it is God sent!
There’s nothing more beautiful than sharing life with someone who completely understands what your heart beats for.

Wherever you are, keep that up!

 

Source: Boiling Waters