Hospital Visits and Adulting

Earlier, I had to visit the hospital because of my bleeding nose. Nothing much, except that the doctor burned a part of the inside of my nose and it hurts up until now. While waiting for some paperwork, I wanted to cry.

I was in pain, tired, snot was running down my nose, the system wasn’t cooperating, and I was all alone. I know I’m already an adult, but it would be nice if there was someone who’d help you get through the adulting stuff. Ugh! This is making me cry. But I can’t because my nose would be clogged, and breathing would be a bitch.

While I was tired and still in pain, at home, a morbid thought entered my mind. As I’ve been getting sick more often, I thought, what if that’s the reason why I’m not in a relationship. Maybe, I’d die young and the Man up there doesn’t want someone to be sad for me. It made me think. It made me a bit sad, but what if there’s something true about my “theory”?

Wow, this is depressing and morbid. I think, I need to rest.


For Someone I Do Not Know Yet


Bring me to art museums,
to coffee shops and bookstores.
Let’s read books;
the underrated ones,
the ones we think we’ll hate.

Let’s discuss how much we hated it
and proceed to talk about life in general
while having some coffee.

Share with me how you got that scar on your shoulder
and I’ll tell you about the scar underneath my nose.
Fuel the conversation by sharing
what excites your soul.

Answer my weird and random questions.
Tell me ’bout your favorite shirt,
the reason behind your sleepless nights
and you will come to know
why I hate cockroaches
& the embarrassing inside stories
I had with it.

I promise, we’ll go deeper
I’ll show you my hidden talents
and you’ll expose to me
your vulnerabilities.
Let’s see if our weirdest parts
complement each other.
Bear with me, I ask you.

Let’s write poems,
write old school letters.
Let’s sing our favorite songs
loudly and fearlessly–
unafraid of getting judged about our voices.

Make me laugh with your witty & brilliant jokes,
Outsmart me with your stand on issues
I warn you,
by the moment we meet each other
I know everything’s not going to be like this —
not exactly how we wanted and planned it to be.
But trust me
God can surpass the expectations
we have in mind.

Our differences will never
affect our common ground.
I’m praying that our common ground
will be no one else but Christ.
Hold my hand,
Together we will testify to the world
that love isn’t imprisoned in a room of ideals.

It makes us see a museum of possibilities.
It exists in the depths of our being.
it is God sent!
There’s nothing more beautiful than sharing life with someone who completely understands what your heart beats for.

Wherever you are, keep that up!


Source: Boiling Waters

You Deserve A Wholehearted Love In 2018

I know you spent most of 2017 unhappy.

You drifted from one relationship to the next. You found yourself involved in almost-relationships, half-loves, and you ended up with toxic people. It was continuous without a break. The pain was excruciating crushing, the rejection was deeply ingrained in you, and you lived your days in a constant state of euphoria happiness and tormented pain.

You based your self-worth on the people who liked you and you were utterly shattered when they couldn’t reciprocate your feeling. You filled the remnants of your broken heart with a person and fell into the pit of darkness when that didn’t work out. You immersed yourself in negativity that you created in your own mind and was unable to move on from the past and see what was right before you.

You knew that was not the right way to live but life was just too hard. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Building yourself up from rock bottom was daunting and the thought of facing your problems made you want to escape reality. You needed someone to be there and loneliness clouded your better judgment. You gave in to the dark thoughts that you couldn’t be alone and that pushed you to find a temporary company to sustain you. You seek any short-term reprieve without regard for the consequences and you just wanted the pain to stop.

So you took the easy way out to heal. To do what you thought would make you happy. To stop caring because that seemed like an easier option. At one point, you were bent on self-destruction and to ruin your own life. You thought nothing mattered anymore and caring meant setting yourself up for more disappointment and disillusionment.

But you couldn’t be more wrong.

Apathy was for the heartless and that was no way to live. The worse thing than being unhappy is to feel nothing. Because when you close yourself off to protect yourself from getting hurt, you cut off the prospect of you finding any possibility of love.

Being optimistic is hard work but being constantly negative is downright draining and depressing. Working on self-love isn’t easy on all days but basing your happiness on one person is surely the root of all your unhappiness. Embracing yourself fully is a constant work in progress yet it’s going to be so worth it when you can truly accept yourself.

Even if nothing makes sense and everything is wrong, you still have yourself. You are the only one who can always be there for you.

This year may be a rollercoaster ride of heartbreak and loss but the lessons you take away are priceless. This year may break your heart but you have learned how to build yourself up from nothing. This year may not be your best year but it is the turning point of your life.

For you promise yourself that 2018 is going to be different. 2018 is the year you will learn to appreciate and enjoy your own companionship above all else. You will be your own cheerleader instead of hoping for someone to make you smile. You will choose to be single instead of being with the wrong person.

You know what you want and now, you have to promise yourself to settle for nothing less than what you deserve.

Source: Thought Catalog

Yow! Yow!

Never planned to write another blog post, but seems like I have so much feels so here I am.
2017 seems so hell-bent on making me feel emotions that were “foreign” to me. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to feel all of these. I wasn’t prepared to make myself look foolish. I wasn’t ready in general. 2017 fucked me up really good. Forgive the foul word, but I feel like that is even a total understatement to what I went thru this year. I felt like I was in a roller coaster of heartbreak and joy.
But don’t misinterpret that 2017 was balanced. It never was. I experienced more heartbreak than joy. It was a chore to be positive when you experience heartbreak after heartbreak. The feeling of joy was sparse, and most of the time I felt like I was drowning from everything – family, work, and love. Slowly, I felt depression kicking in. It didn’t help that I was anxious all the time and paranoid. I guess that’s why I drove people away. Why I’d rather keep all these shit I’m experiencing, than completely opening up to people.
I did open up, but it wasn’t even 1/4 of what I was feeling inside. Words were carefully chosen. I decided to open up that specific aspect of my life, because I felt like if I bared everything, I would crumble down. I hated every moment where I felt weak, helpless, and lost.
Guess, I brought it upon myself. Is this karma? Do I even deserve to be happy or hell, will I even be completely happy? It’s confusing and stupid to be thinking like this. Ang hirap!
Can 2018 be different? I’m not asking for rainbows and butterflies. All I want is to be more chill? Can I ride a train instead because I’ve had enough of the roller coaster ride?


So, I am at this phase again. The phase where I am having doubts about myself. What’s weird though, is not it’s not completely work-related. It’s mostly personal. I don’t know what the purpose of this. I can tell my friends, but I feel like I’m being a burden to them. Guess this is the only place where I can vent and get all my drama out.

Ayaw ko na. Pang-ilang beses ko na yan sinabi ngayong taon. Pero tuloy-tuloy pa rin ako sa pagpapaka-tanga. Feeling ko yun yung best description para sa akin. Bukod sa tanga, samahan mo pa ng selfish, insecure, at masochista. Sukdulan na combination. Kumbaga, combo-breaker. 

Tapang-tapangan, pero on the inside, I’m slowly dying. Depressing, pero parang wala akong karapatang ma-feel yun, dahil marami pang may mas malalim na pinagdadaanan yung ibang tao. 

Sabi nila, wag mo i-compare yung sarili mo sa iba. Hindi ko maiwasan, friend! Medyo bitter. Pinipilit ko ng very strong, pero nagtatagumpay ang negativity ng bonggang bongga. Kagaya ngayon, naiisip ko yung sinabi nung isang tao sa akin. Ngayon kasi yung moment na sobrang baba ng confidence level ko, as in malapit na siyang umabot sa zero percent, pero syempre ginagalingan ko yung pagpapanggap na okay ako. Alam ko lahat naman tayo may pinagdadaanan. Pero etong year na ‘to, sumobra yung emosyon na pinaramdam sa akin. 

Pag masaya ako, abot-langit yung saya na nararamdaman ko. Kapag malungkot ako, feeling ko nakikiramay yung langit sa emosyon ko. Ang hirap kasi kapag nag-normalize na yung feelings mo, bigla na naman may bagong ganap na magpaparamdam sa’yo ng emotional high/low. Nakakapagod. Pakiramdaman ko nga, sawang-sawa na yung mga kaibigan ko sa mga ka-dramahan ko sa buhay. Kaya minsan, self-support na lang. Daanin na lang sa pagkain, pagbabasa, at pagbababad sa YouTube at Instagram.

May na-trigger na naman kasi sa akin ngayon, kaya ganito ako. Nakaka-umay mag-drama, pero eto lang yata yung way na mailalabas ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Nag-try ako magkwento kanina sa kapatid ko. Tinanong niya ko bakit daw ako nagdadrama, wala naman daw kami sa “feels trip.” 

‘Di ko na mabilang kung ilan beses na akong umiiak dahil sa emotional stress na nararamdaman ko. Nakakapikon, kasi akala ko, okay na ako. Pero malayo pa pala ako sa ganun. ‘Di ko na rin alam kung ilang beses kong triny na maging okay.

Nakakainis! Bigla akong napa-evaluate ng buhay ko dahil dun sa nakausap ko. 

“Sana ganito na lang ako.”

“Sana ako na lang si ano.”

“Sana pala hindi ko ‘to pinagdadaanan.”

‘Di niya siguro alam kung paano ako naapektuhan nung sinabi niya. Dahil sa sinabi niya, yung confidence ko na nasa 12%, biglang naging 4%. Hindi naman niya siguro yun sinasadya, pero gago ang manhid mo lang. 

Alex, tahan na. Siguro dapat tigilan na ang pag-iisip nun dahil hindi siya nakakatulong sa akin. Mas lalo akong naging selfconscious. Mas lalo lang akong lumulungkot. 

Sabi ni Ke$ha dun sa kanta niya,

Gotta learn to let it go.

Yun na dapat ulit yung gawin, ASAP!


January to September

Less than a 100 days left and 2017 is almost over. Looking back, so much has happened. I met people. I did things I wouldn’t normally do. I went places. Experienced culture. Ate so much and gained weight. I went through a lot of emotions that I never thought I’ll feel.

I thought I was strong and fearless before, but 2017 proved me wrong. 2017 confused the hell out of me. It’s just like watching a Russian drama without any subtitles and background story. I had no idea how I was supposed to deal with what I went through. Am I proud of it all? NO! But those situations and stupid decisions thought me valuable lessons. I hated it to the core. I squirmed at the idea of going through all those shit, but it helped me grow. It helped me become a better person. It has also made me know myself better. I’m not all that strong, independent woman. I’m also a softee who will cry because of a guy or because life overwhelms her. I need my mom’s comforting words and hugs. Sometimes. I also need to be slapped in the face by dealing with situations that are way beyond my control. I can be dumb. I can be lost. I can be frustrated.
Life wouldn’t stop for me because I can’t keep up. It will continue. It’s already up to me how I will catch up with life. 

See this GIF below? That’s how 2017 was for me. Full of surprises. 

041617 – Feelings

Wanna know something funny? Years ago, I despised those movies or series that show how people become weak when it comes to love.

How can someone not get over a douchebag?

How can one continue loving a cheater?

How stupid can you get when you stay in a toxic relationship?

I loved to hate those plot lines. I have a side comment for every “stupid” scene I watched. But apparently it happens. You’ll realize how hard it is to move on from a guy that’s not even yours when you’re already in that situation. When you’ve greatly invested in a relationship that’s not even bound to flourish in the first place.  I cannot remember how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep over some guy who so easily makes me feel so insignificant. I cannot count how many times I felt so lost and confused over what we have.

Mind you, this guy is not a douchebag nor an asshole, he’s the total opposite. But without trying too hard, he makes me question why I still hope and believe that somehow in the future we would end up together. I wonder what my role is in his story. Am I stuck to being the good friend or am I just part of a chapter or am I the one who makes it till the end of his story?

Friends often tell me not to overthink, but it’s hard. I cannot stop myself from overthinking. I cannot stop myself  from daydreaming. I cannot stop myself from replaying the events that led up to this moment.

“I’m sad and you know why,” I told my brother.  “You have lived without him before, so why are you sad now?” My brother answers quickly.

I know I have lived life without him, but don’t we all have moments where we want to be with someone? This someone has effortlessly made me happy and at the same time heartbroken. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I shouldn’t be feeling so helpless, but is this part where I have to accept being weak?

I’m not weak, I’ve been strong and independent, but I have become the girl in those soap operas who cries herself to sleep while listening to a sad song. I’ve become someone who reads Thought Catalog articles, because I feel like I can relate to every article they publish. I’ve never felt so weak.

My friend assured me that it’s okay to be weak once in a while. She told me it’s normal to cry your feelings. I’ll move on in time, but I asked if it was okay to feel this way for now. She assured me that it’s totally okay. In time I’ll move on, but for now, I’ll be a masochist and bask in this feeling of weakness, helplessness, and sadness.

Maybe this is my karma for every shitty things I said to screenplay writers. Ah, the Life in a Trashy Soap Opera. How apt is my blog title to whatever I’m going through right now.

Chasing dreams and happiness

Work has been stressful lately. Aside from work, my life in general is stressing me out. I have a lot of uncertainties, insecurities, and worries in life. There’s also the pressure to excel.  It’s hard, but somehow I now know how to handle pressure and stress better.

When life gets too overwhelming, I try to take a step back and stop over analyzing things. Then I remember how hard I worked (and cried) before getting here. I remembered those events and people that humbled and me realize how lucky I am. This is not the best, but the events in my life right now are much better than before.

Although I’m in this state, it doesn’t mean my world will stop here. I still have bigger dreams and I’m not giving up on them. I’ll keep on chasing that dream. Even if I don’t fulfill that dream, I will not regret it, because I know I tried. A friend told me before to always believe in myself. Doing that now while crossing my fingers and praying hard for the universe to conspire for me to achieve this dream.

For now, I’m enjoying whatever life throws at me, learn more, and get every experience I possibly can.

A friend sent me this inspiring Bible verse. Hope this inspires you too.