When you get sidetracked

So this past few weeks I’ve been feeling so f*cked up and uninspired. Starting last month, I’ve been doing something. Something I’ve never thought I’d have the courage to do. It’s like a giant leap of faith. At first this “work” was just something to kill time, I wasn’t that serious about it then. But then after my grandmother told me to stop going there and stop working, I knew that I have to make a decision, a huge one. So I chose to still continue doing it. By that time I was really, REALLY serious about it. I wanted to succeed in it. I want to show her and other people that I made the right decision. But this week, another err, challenge came up. I’ve been feeling really down and I guess a couple of lines from Katy Perry’s song, Firework can explain exactly what I’m feeling right now.

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m trying to ignite the light within me. Sorry for being so cliche. But then that fire suddenly extinguishes when someone tells me something negative. I suddenly feel dejected and would then think of myself negatively. 99% of my brain tells me that I can do it, but there’s this annoying 1% that makes me think differently. People have been helping me, they always make me feel that I can do anything and that I can do whatever I want. I have been learning a lot from them, probably the only thing I haven’t learned from them is patience, patience and more patience. I also haven’t learned the lesson of believing in myself, more confidence darling! Oh another, I have so much f*ckin’ pride! I need to swallow my pride and hopefully, it will make my life much easier.

I know I’m giving my best and I’m doing this whatever it takes, but it’s not working out. No, I am not thinking of quitting. I invested so much time and so much hard work and I don’t want to see it go to waste. Lord, can you please, just at least make it easier for me. I really want this one and right now, you’re the only one I know who can help me.

I told my friend about this and she gave me a really wonderful response. I sent a long SMS to her and she also sent me a long response. I am really thankful that she understands what I’m going through even if I didn’t tell her directly what the hell is bothering me. Her message was really touching and it enlightened me. Coming from a friend who likes fooling around, her answer is really serious and as I have said earlier touching. I would post her message because it has struck me.

Based on your text, maybe God is telling you something. Maybe He did put you on that situation for you to realize something. Maybe He wants you to ask Him, seek Him. Di ba at our lowest points will you then remember Him? In Matt. 7:7 – 12, Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened…Which of you, if his son asks for bread will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?” Gela, seek God first. Ask also yourself, is this where I should be? Will this give me a good future? Sometimes kasi we are hard headed. We still push on to something without really thinking about it, without asking Him. Have faith and wait on Him. In Isiah 49:23, “No one who waits will be disappointed. Pray for it, and have faith that God is in control.” And I will also be praying for you. I love you Gela! I don’t want you to be lost. But God may just want to build your character first before giving you a reward. I wanna hug you!! >;D<

Her second message to me.

You know what? I feel so blessed coz I was the one you texted. Galing ni God! I think He gave you the wisdom to text me. And I myself is just here who is more than willing to help a broken friend.

Yes, I also feel so blessed that I have a friend like you. You did not give me the answers I wanna hear, but answers I needed to hear. Thank you so much for listening to me. At least now I know that there is another person who knows exactly what I’m going through and what I’m feeling. And I know that she will be praying for me and she would be there if ever I need her. Thank you so much for the really inspiring message. I am really thankful to have a friend like you.

I am not the super religious type of person. I am religious, but not that much. I rarely read the Bible, sorry God. I miss masses, but I always make sure that I pray every night and before I have a meal. I guess God is calling me once more. He is testing me if I really have faith in Him. He’s trying to see whether I will come out of this successfully or I would just quit, like what I always did before. God, I know that this is your way of letting me know that you are still there, that you would give me tests in order to prove my faith in you. I’m sorry if I’m drifting away from you again. Please help me get through this. I really want this God. I know that you’re the only one who can help me. These challenges you are giving me, as my friend said, is a way for me to build my character. I know you would help me through this, I know you would not leave me alone in this. Thank you for everything God. Thank you in advance, for I know you will help me get through this.

I’ll be making Firework as my anthem until I get through this.

Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through

Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ’em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

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