Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life

I thought of suicide a couple of times already. I’ve been through a lot in life, I have had a lot of problems. I often hear people say that ending your life is a sin, I believe in it.But yes, I have thought of ending all of this.

In November 2009, I remember posting an entry here in my blog about suicide. That was the time when Kim Daul, the Korean model died. I kept it private and I guess, now’s the best time to post it here. 

i don’t care about being remembered

i don’t care about being forgotten

i don’t care about being loved by everyone

i just want to be loved by someone who can

i want it to last

– kim daul

I found out that she died after reading some korean blogs. May your soul rest in peace. :( I checked out her blog, and I can say that she is a very interesting person. She’s really bright and somewhat, I wish I was like her. I wish I can also speak my mind and don’t care whatever fuck people tell me. And then I suddenly realized that I’m feeling what she’s feeling. Honestly, I don’t have the courage to tell others that I am having problems. That committing something against my religion has entered my mind these past few years, esp. when I got into college. College is really stressful and my course has this dog-eat-dog environment. This year has been hard on me, I will honestly say that I have thought of committing the big S. I’m afraid to admit it to myself and even to my friends. My friends see me as this religious girl who follows and believes all the teachings of the Catholic Church.  I feel ashamed thinking this way, I feel ashamed thinking that it is the only way out. Life has been hard on me. Problems have come and passed by my life, and they’re in and out of my life lately.

I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know how to react to it.

People see me as this extrovert girl who’s always happy and talkative but what they don’t really know is that I am hurting and angry inside.

I am depressed and no one except myself knows.

I am hurting, but no one knows.

I feel insecure, but no one knows.

I need security, but no one’s there.

I feel tired and sick, but no one knows.

I just feel like ending all of this.

Probably, more likely the would be shocked if they read this, they wouldn’t believe that I think this way. I think I need help, I think I need someone to hear me out. I’m afraid that one I’ll just wake up and not think of my beliefs and just end all of this.

I am scared for myself.

I am scared that I think this way.

I am scared.

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