Feelings, feelings and feelings

I believe in the power of prayer, in divine intervention and in God’s plan. But sometimes, I just find God’s humor to be interestingly weird and cruel. It might come across as blasphemous, but please don’t stone me to death. My wordings may be not right on the spot on how I want to describe my feelings, so forgive me.

I don’t know why I am writing this, maybe because I just had a really bad day at work or just because words are overflowing in my mind and I just need to let it out or it maybe both.

Today is such a crappy day. I feel terribly crappy, plus the fact that I started to realize something isn’t helping.

Work wasn’t that fine, my work felt mediocre and my boss reprimanded me, well sort of. It was really terrible. I can feel my face heating up; I can feel tears already starting to build and my ego felt bruised. It’s my fault. Yes, I have the balls to say that. Like what they always say, “Man up and admit your mistakes.” So it’s my fault now what. After admitting it, it doesn’t really help… I still feel the same and it doesn’t really help that I always think about it.

I have this bad habit of always thinking about the past and then cringing to it.

Right now, I just want to curl up in my bed, cry and then go to sleep.

I want to cry not because I’m weak, but because I just want to release all the stress that has been building up inside me for a few weeks now.

What I’m praying for this coming Monday is that God would help me. Help me focus, help me on my writing and help me be more effective.

So that’s one of the things I’ve been thinking about the whole day.

Second thing I’m thinking of…

This guy I like.

I’m the type of girl who believes in the power of love, in fairy tales, in happy endings. I am cheesy, I am sappy and I am a sucker romantic things. Well, I guess I’m a girl who lives in fantasy. There’s nothing wrong with it, until you feel that it’s too much and that you’re already stuck in your little bubble that you forget about reality.

I like this guy. I like him because he’s funny (I guess), because he’s witty (according to his Facebook posts), he’s nice (based on my interaction with him), he’s a good writer (based on my stalking) and well, I guess because he’s cute.

My standards with guys are high, according to my friends. I want a guys who’s funny (he’s funny, so check); I want a guy who plays basketball, it’s such a turn on for me (I heard them [my office mates] talking about having a basketball game a few weeks ago, so check); I want a guy who’s taller than me (he’s much taller than me, check); I want a guy who’s good in math, I want an engineer or anything as long as he’s good in math, but not nerdy (he’s not a math major, he’s a journalism major, fail!); and I want him to be Catholic/Christian, he’s supposed to be close to God (I don’t know his religion).

So basically, he has almost met my standards. The math major/engineering major is not really that super important, it’s more of a plus points. My standards are kind of absurd/weird!

I like him not because he has met my standards or anything, but I like him because he’s true to himself.  He’s nice to me, probably one of the reasons I’m drawn to him.

So I like him now what’s the big deal you might ask. Well, I have this huge insecurity problem (I think every girl has it, they’re just too afraid to admit it) and I tend to stress about the smallest things (paranoid, my friends keep telling me that I am one).

Of course, as my crush, I tend to observe even the smallest things…isn’t that what we all do when we have a crush? So anyway, I have noticed that he’s always texting someone. As a paranoid woman, I often over think. So now, I’m thinking that he’s texting a girl, probably he’s courting the girl.

It’s sad because I’m drawn to him and his eyes are set on someone. This is only my assumption, okay? I remember telling my friends about him and they were really happy that I met this guy and we’re starting to get much closer. Then reality hits you with this huge-ass brick. Water is poured on your head to wake up from your dreamland and then you realize everything.

I don’t have any reason to get envious, nor even jealous. But of course as my crush, I have mentally claimed him. This always happens to me. I don’t know why.

I get close to a guy and then something gets on the way and then bam! It’s gone.

My friends really want me to have a boyfriend already, even my family, especially my mom! Of course, I want it to. Who wouldn’t? I want to know the feeling of being loved by a guy, I want to know the feeling of having a boyfriend, I want to know the feeling of someone caring for you, I just want to know the feeling of being happy and making another person happy.

I don’t normally tell people about it, I’m really modest about it. But inside, my curiosity is burning. And yes of course as a person I have committed one of the deadly sins, envy. Every time I see a happy couple, the green-eyed monster inside me comes out. I do feel jealous, for heaven’s sake, who wouldn’t be jealous when a couple is already hugging in front of you. It makes you wish, you have someone in your life.

Yes, it saddens me. I feel like we really have no chance. Would I be forever alone? I don’t want to grow old alone. I want my own family; I want kids running around, I want a responsible, hardworking and loving husband. That wouldn’t happen if I don’t have a boyfriend.

It frustrates me… it seems like I can’t find a guy who would love me. It’s sad. For how many years, I have watched my friends grow in love with their partners or fall out of love. I want to know the feeling!

May have told me that you should not look for love and that it will just come your way. Let faith/destiny work its magic. But what if you just wait for it and nothing happens. Would you still wait or would you do something and try to change what life has for you? Would you let destiny control your life or would you control your destiny?

Maybe I just feel sad because I haven’t found the one. It’s scary whenever I think like this.

We try to set goals. We put our everything into it so that we can achieve it. But what if there are trials that stop you from reaching your goal, would you stop completely on your journey or would you still keep on pursuing that dream? People have said, “Follow your dreams”, but what if your dreams is also pursuing his? What would you do? What should I do?

Should I just stop liking him completely? I am just assuming that whoever he’s texting is making him really happy. Maybe a friend… But you don’t text your friend ALL the time, right? This is so confusing. Once again, I feel like I’m in this never ending game of figuring things out.

Prayers…they really work. But I’ve praying for someone almost all my life. God has answered almost all of my prayers except for this one. It’s frustrating and sad.

I’m starting to sound desperate, needy and alone. Yes I do feel alone.

The love you get from your family and friends is different from the love you get in a relationship, it is a different bond. It’s sad to be always the third or fifth wheel when you’re with your friends and their partners.

A blog post from Jenna from the MTV’s show, Awkward.

Clearly, it was time to come to terms with the fact that what I wanted to happen and what was actually going to happen weren’t the same. From an early age, all girls are conditioned to expect a romantic fantasy. Maybe I wasn’t gonna be one of those girls who gets the fantasy in high school. Maybe I’d have to wait.


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