041617 – Feelings

Wanna know something funny? Years ago, I despised those movies or series that show how people become weak when it comes to love.

How can someone not get over a douchebag?

How can one continue loving a cheater?

How stupid can you get when you stay in a toxic relationship?

I loved to hate those plot lines. I have a side comment for every “stupid” scene I watched. But apparently it happens. You’ll realize how hard it is to move on from a guy that’s not even yours when you’re already in that situation. When you’ve greatly invested in a relationship that’s not even bound to flourish in the first place.  I cannot remember how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep over some guy who so easily makes me feel so insignificant. I cannot count how many times I felt so lost and confused over what we have.

Mind you, this guy is not a douchebag nor an asshole, he’s the total opposite. But without trying too hard, he makes me question why I still hope and believe that somehow in the future we would end up together. I wonder what my role is in his story. Am I stuck to being the good friend or am I just part of a chapter or am I the one who makes it till the end of his story?

Friends often tell me not to overthink, but it’s hard. I cannot stop myself from overthinking. I cannot stop myself  from daydreaming. I cannot stop myself from replaying the events that led up to this moment.

“I’m sad and you know why,” I told my brother.  “You have lived without him before, so why are you sad now?” My brother answers quickly.

I know I have lived life without him, but don’t we all have moments where we want to be with someone? This someone has effortlessly made me happy and at the same time heartbroken. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I shouldn’t be feeling so helpless, but is this part where I have to accept being weak?

I’m not weak, I’ve been strong and independent, but I have become the girl in those soap operas who cries herself to sleep while listening to a sad song. I’ve become someone who reads Thought Catalog articles, because I feel like I can relate to every article they publish. I’ve never felt so weak.

My friend assured me that it’s okay to be weak once in a while. She told me it’s normal to cry your feelings. I’ll move on in time, but I asked if it was okay to feel this way for now. She assured me that it’s totally okay. In time I’ll move on, but for now, I’ll be a masochist and bask in this feeling of weakness, helplessness, and sadness.

Maybe this is my karma for every shitty things I said to screenplay writers. Ah, the Life in a Trashy Soap Opera. How apt is my blog title to whatever I’m going through right now.

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